Taskmaster Incorporated

Homework

2006-02-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

There are never enough things for me to learn how to do. Magic, sleight of hand, throwing skills, playing instruments, new sports, dances, whatever, I'll learn almost anything if it is useful. I have an agent who travels the world looking for new things to learn. Budgie, that's what he likes to be called, goes off to those undeveloped parts of the world, untouched by uniformity to find the mystics and contortionists, and dudes who have dedicated their life to performing weird tasks.

I plan to go over there and learn that stuff in a matter of seconds.

Budgie has recently contacted me to a guy in India, a yoga master, who can reverse the sensations his body feels. This means, pain becomes pleasure, hunger becomes fulfillment, discomfort becomes comfort. Since I often get shot and stabbed at, such a training of the senses could be extremely useful.

He has also heard of the existence of a Chinese Zen master living in the forests who has mastered the ability to control the stream of air from his mouth, almost to the point where it looks like limited telekinesis. While perfecting my blowing technique sounds strange, it could always be handy.

The catch sometimes in doing this is that the person was unknowingly a mutant, and his skills can't be learned. Other times they are not, and the trip will definetly be worth it. We'll see.

Other lines of work....

2006-01-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

One of the great things about my abilities is that no matter what I do they will always be incredibly useful. Unlike some folks out there, they can only use their abilities for fighting, or protection of some sort, everything is usually defense or offense oriented. Occasionally, someone will have an ability that can help them travel or cut lines, like Quicksilver or Nightcrawler.

Take for instance Bullseye, "Mr. Infallible aim," I find his ability useful, turning anything into a weapon, but at the same time it is incredibly one dimensional. Outside of the cloak and dagger stuff, what, I can win a game of darts? I can turn off the light switch from my bed with a peanut?

My abilities, even if I didn't do criminal or battle related jobs, I would still be successful. Gourmet cook? no problem. Magician? Tricks are something that whores do for money, but I can do illusions. Athlete? no problem, I can beat anyone at any sport and win any gold medal in the olympics.

Speaking of athletes, one of the side sources I have for my income is making false autographs and selling them on e-bay. For example, at least 20% of the Kobe Bryant signed jerseys out there are done by me. A sports dealer I met asks me to sign a few things for me, I get a healthy cut, he gets the merchandise "authenticated", and I get some tax-free income. All I have to do is watch Kobe or Barry Bonds put their John Hanock on something.

Another mission I did a few years ago was to steal a $2,000,000 violin. To do that I had to go undercover as a concert pianist, and to tell you the truth, it was nice to be in music for a while.

The weirdest mission I ever did was when I had to infiltrate a circus troupe that was hypnotizing the audience and robbing them. However, I was so good at it that the ringmaster figured he could probably make more money if he just overcharged the patrons and actually put on a reasonable show. This led to the creation of Cirque du Soleil.

All in all, I think my line of work allows me to venture into new opportunities, I don't think that with someone with my talents, I could ever be happy doing one career that focused on one thing, and one thing only.

Things didn't turn out...

2006-01-31T02:39:00.000-08:00

...as planned. While I hid in FAO for crossbones he didn't show up as I expected with guns and bombs blazing. Turns out he showed up in pajamas (with cute little crossbones all over it) and was looking for a free stuffed mongoose. Surprisingly, he was also wearing his skull mask. And I thought I was the only dude with a skull mask who wore the damn thing all the time.

I used my image shifting device to dress up as a common-clerk and approached CB.

"Hello, sir, may I help you with anything?"

"Uh, stuff mongoose?"

"Sure, come on inside with me...." I said.

When Cross-B entered he started bawling like a little child.

"uh, what's wrong sir?"

"(Sniffle) I just want some toys, pa never gave me any toys...."

At this point I realized something. While I have no respect for GM and their crappy autos, the fulfillment of this task would lead to the destruction of FAO Schwartz. This would result in a lot of bratty, spoiled New York kids, with a high sense of entitlement, to not get what they want. This could snowball into many of them turning into my former pupil C-Bones, or even worse, lawyers and CEO's with insatiable hunger. Yes, I thought, NY needs their toys, even if they are high priced.

I realized my integrity might be higher than I ever thought. I was Taskmaster, but not just any slave who would sell out his own values to fulfill other's tasks. Taskmaster does what he wants! I work for me and no one else, and I sell out to no one unless I want to!

Furthermore, if there was no FAO, that would take out a prime location to buy the excellent MARVEL products located in the basement level of the store. Amazing Marvel products such as the Diamond Select line of Marvel Select, exquisitely crafted semi-articulated figurines giving perfect representations of well-known marvel scenes and characters, such as Elektra, Black widow, Spider-Man, Wolverine!

Let's not forget the perfectly sculpted busts and statues of Bowen Design, bringing to life characters such as Mystique, Hawkeye, Moon Knight, Deadpool, Vision! All ranging from $40 to $130, with a 20% off sale on labor day weekend! Oh the savings!

"So sexy, it hurts!"

With a library of over 5,000 proprietary characters, Marvel Entertainment, Inc. is one of the world's most prominent character-based entertainment companies. MARVEL's operations are focused in four areas: entertainment (Marvel Studios), licensing, publishing and toys (Toy Biz). Marvel facilitates the creation of entertainment projects, including feature films, DVD/home video, video games and television based on its characters and also licenses its characters for use in a wide range of consumer products and services including apparel, toys, collectibles, snack foods and promotions. MARVEL's characters and plot lines are created by its publishing division which continues to expand its leadership position in the U.S. and worldwide while also serving as an invaluable source of intellectual property.

That's right, Taskmaster tm won't sell out to no-one, and that means I will never destroy any building that sells the fine goods from MARVEL.

Poor C-Boshizzle, when I turned around, he was riding on a giant toy horse with one of those long armed monkeys around his neck. "Wheeee!!!!" Poor guy, I let him have his fun, and went back home to call it an early night.

TASK UNFULFILLED

Iron Fister

2006-01-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while since I've posted, mainly for two reason.

1. Blackberry is undergoing their lawsuit, therefore I was convinced by an associate to toss it and get a Gameboy DS intead (which turned out to be a bad move).

2. For some odd reason, Blob has lost a lot of weight, thus becoming useless. However, he has decided to keep his skin. It appears his mutant power is the ability to eliminate erections. Not that he didn't have that before...

So I've had to refix things a bit. I went with my backup plan to look like a superhero and get into a fight with a villian. Because I had already copied his moves, I decided to dress up as Iron Fist, as his costume is so flaming that no one will notice that he and I have distinctly different builds and shoe size.

I decided to trick an old student of mine named Crossbones to destroy the building with explosives. You see, this works out well because Crossbones hates toys. Hates them. Hates them. I think his daddy never gave him presents for Christmas, so he decided to blame the toys. And there is an FAO Shwartz in the GM building, all I need to do is get him angry enough to blow the place up. He was a very disturbed student, but very determined and also very talented with explosives.

I proceeded to plant the seeds of hate in him and called him up, disguising my voice...

"Hello?" said his gruff voice.

"Heeellllooo!!! My name is Rusty and I am calling from New York's faaavvorite toy store FAO SCHWARTZ. Are you interested in getting a freeeeee STUFFED MONGOOSE?"

"WHAT? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" he yelled.

"YES, We are giving away free stuffed mongeese! to all the children in the city at 12 midnight tonight! It is our Christmas in January event! Children under 16 only! Come tonight for a freeee fao schwartz stuffed mongoose!"

"NOOOO!! GO AWAY!!!! HATE YOU!!!!"

"C'mon little boy, you must love toys don't you?? Especially a FREEE Stuffed MONGOOSE!!! HUh? Don't you?? You can bring your popozao down here and get a freee mongoose!!"

"NOOOOO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I"LL KILLL YOU AND YOUR TOOYYYZZZZ!!!!"

"Ha, that's funny sir! if you wanted to kill me you would have to come down here at midnight and knock down the whole building!! but that would destroy all the poor stuffed mongeese and no one would get any free toys this Christmas in January!!!""

"I KILL YOU !!! TONIGHT!!! YOU'LL SEE!"

and he hung up.

Again, sometimes this job is too easy.

Whipping out the ol' rolodex...

2006-01-10T21:10:00.000-08:00

I looked at past associates who could do the job. Armadillo? just escaped from jail? no. Deadpool? not enough firepower, no. hmm? Blob? yes, that may do it, can cause damage, won't die on me, won't be hurt by the melee fighters on the New Avengers. I might be able to get by paying with Ho-Ho's.

The second fella/or feella, would have to be a blaster type. Avalanche would be pricier, but works well with Blob. However, he can knock down a building no problem, and make it look like he was meant to fight the Avengers. My only worry is that he is not the best fighter and the New Avengers can easily jump over his attacks. I would have to take the risk and watch his back until the job was done.

I dialed them up on my Blackberry and got them signed up for 1/6th each and told them I would contact them later. However, I did not reveal them my identity as I had not yet created one.

Which led me to the next problem, creating a new identity that was believable, but detracted from Taskmaster. I wanted to be inconspicuous, otherwise people would trace me to the crime, I decided I needed to make up a new alias, something that struck fear in the hearts of men, yet also alludes to a skill I posess. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............

Well, I can fight and I can be pretty stealthy, so let's make myself a ninja, it isn't far from my regular garb. But what kind of Ninja can I be? something dark and scary, Night ninja? no...Black ninja? nooo, Dark ninja? now its sounding stupid....hmmm, Red Ninja..no, hmm....Blood is red, I got it BLOOD NINJA!!!!

That's easy enough, I looked into my costumes and found mostly stuff that was easily recognizable, like Hawkeye's or captain america's suit. I would have to mix and match and make something new... Hmmm, so Hawkeye's boots, a reddish shirt and a dark vest to show that blood thing, and a simple mask cover... But I needed something more, something that would make me more than just a ninja...

I finally found something that I snagged from Merlin a long time ago, maybe I could be a wizard ninja? it was so stupid, it was perfect.

"I put on my robe and wizard hat...."

Demolition Duty

2006-01-04T21:25:00.000-08:00

"Hello, Mr. Taskmaster. You may or may not know about us, but you have certainly helped us out in the past, although indirectly and unintentionally. We at Ace do two jobs. Whenever a building in the city is destroyed, we clean it up and prepare the foundation for it to be rebuilt."

"Now, a while back, we only made money from old buildings being demolished and such. When superheroes and aliens and atlantis and whomever the hell, caused destruction and knocked some of the city down, the city was primarily responsible in helping to rebuild and we worked at a low government contract, which was not very lucrative. After several attacks from aliens, a few Fantastic Four fights and some with the Defenders, the city was getting pretty bankrupt. After the Onslaught thing, where Professor X had a hissy fit, the straw broke the camel's back and the city couldn't afford any more damage. They revoked their policy to rebuild leaving building owners high and dry in the next super-related event."

"The building owners were left with no way to cover their losses, and that led to some smart insurance companies offering an additional type of insurance dealing with super-related events. Of course for a pretty nominal premium. Building owners thus had a lot of money to rebuild if their building was destroyed by a super-related event. That meant that I could charge my regular rate and make a killing. I own a subsidiary company that charges to clean up the mess, which also allows me to sell the leftover rubble to concrete and recycle companies AND I also get paid to set it up for rebuilding. As you may have guessed, I make a lot whenever superheroes knock down a building."

"So you want me to just knock down a building for you? that's not a problem..." I said, after his long diatribe.

"Well, the clause in the contract says it must be super-related, either from another alien species, atlantean, or a superhero vs. villian battle. If you go and blow it up, it is just terrorism, and the payoff isn't as much. "

"I see."

"In otherwords, you have to pick a fight with a team, and have to cause enough collateral damage to destroy a building. Now, a normal person would be concerned by loss of life, but you see, I'm a CEO, I have no soul. I also eat baby hearts as an appetizer while I sip merlot."

"Ah, yes, baby hearts are quite delicious in the winter. " I responded, although I had only eaten baby kidneys before, or that's what I thought was in the hotdog.

"Yes, so pick a fight with any super-heroes, the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, whoever. Just make sure it knocks down the building. For a job well done, I will pay $3 million."

"That sounds fair to me. What building do I have to knock down? " I asked.

"Oh, its an easy building to get to, I'm sure you've heard of it, the GM building. They have a very lovely view of the park. "

I paused for a second. That's a big effing building. And I certainly didn't have the means to knock it down by myself. And despite being a pretty selfish individual, I'm not into the mass killing of innocents. Any one of them could be the next Lindsay Lohan, Bubba Sparxxx or Matt LeBlanc. This would have to be a big, but precise.

"Ok, I'll do it, but you realize this will put me in a compromising position if I get seen destroying the Empire State. I will also have to hire some other mercenaries to do the job."

"No problem Mr. The Taskmaster, all we care about is the results."

I hung up, realizing I had a doozy of a job.

I had to do a few things first. Namely
1. I have to come up with an alter-ego so I don't get pinned for this caper.
2. I need to pull out the ol rolodex and get me some super-powered allies who can cause some heavy destruction.
3. I have to pick a super team to fight, and one that I can beat. Then I have to somehow get them to the location to fight.

It's gonna be a busy week.

Ol' Dirty Baxterd

2006-01-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

When Wolverine was under the influence of Hydra, he once easily managed to sneak into the Baxter building, where the Fantastic Four reside. I plan to do the same thing, but unlike Wolverine, I don't plan to go in for a fight. I plan to increase the relationship turmoil between the Invisible Woman and Mr. Fantastic. I'm kinda like Angelina Jolie even to the extent where I sell out my body to do horrible, horrible things.

When entering the building, I went for the airconditioning vent, as I knew the sensors would not notice me. I perched with a good view outside the safe and waited for Richards to show up.

At 4:00 on the dot, Richards, showed up and began typing in his code. My only worry was to not blink, but after his 44 digit code, at the rhythm of what I'm guessings is the opening song to "A Beautiful Mind." Now all I had to do was wait for Richards to do his business and skidaddle. Did I just say skidaddle? dammit.

After Richards left, I checked my radar and found no warm bodies around and snuck my way down to enter the code. Using my amazing photographic memory and reflex skills, I easily cracked the code and let myself in.

The list Sue gave me had some really odd items. Matter-distorter-toothbrush, Kaliedo-Sonic-tampons, Molecule-atom-disrupting electron stimulator etc.

What I didn't expect were Reed's secret fetishes hidden inside this safe. Along with a glut of obese porn and Japanese tentacle hentai, he also had a stash of magazines I had never seen before: Putty Girls. This was a magazine with girls covered with globs of Silly Putty, going all over and IN them, sweet jebus. It was also one of the occasions where it is NOT good to have a photographic memory. Damn, you just made me think about it again.

While not on the list, I assumed these were not what Sue was looking for, and besides, I would need two wheelbarrows to haul out that sleaze.

I finally came upon something not on the list with a red bow around it: Elastic-Matter-Vibrational Collar. It was basically a collar that I guess made the wearer vibrate. Can't figure what Reed and Sue would use it for... Grabbing it quickly, I prepared to head out the way I came. As I entered the hallway, I bumped into Sue, and realized I could collect a quick payday on the spot.

"Hey ya, See-through girl, I got you your present."

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my home???!!!" She yelled.

"Uh, a job that you hired me for?" I said, before a white ball with dashes wanged me on my head.
Oh shit, I realized, she's either toying with my heart or she's not the one who hired me. Damn I hate shape-changers! As I felt an invisible ball growing in my throat, preventing me from breathing, I dropped a flashbomb, knowing that Sue can't project what she can't see. The smoke would also help if she planned to go invisible.

Punching that witch in the nose quickly, I made my way out my exit and web slinged my way home.

I e-mailed the fake Sue and told her my mission was complete.

An hour later, after coming to my office, the stupid shapechanging Sue came into my office.

"Ok, Super-Skrull, here's your bill, but I gotta ask you: what are you going to do with a collar that makes your body vibrate."

Not looking too shocked, the skrull resumed his normal form. The Super-skrull is a skrull, a race of aliens that can change their shape, who also has the abilities of the fantastic four.
"Silly human, you think all I do is fight the Fantastic Four? The Skrulls are known to be the best lovers in the universe. We can be whoever you want and change our shape doing it. This collar will only let me further dominate at my reign as the champion of the Annual Skrull Coitus competition. A Skrull's got to defend his title, right?"

"Uh, yeah....TMI."

"What was that?" the Skrull shot back.

"Uh, yes, good for you," I recovered, "Just pay the bill, cash only."

After the Skrull left, my cell phone rang again, just like it always does after I have just completed a mission.

"Hello, Taskmaster, inc. This is the CEO of Ace Construction. We have a special need for your talents, and it may require you to fight the Avengers....."

Fantaskmaster!

2006-01-01T00:47:00.000-08:00

I had Sue Richards of the Fantastic Four come to my illustrious office and explain her my needs.

"It's rather simple really. It's my anniversary in a few weeks and, Reed, my husband, is constantly making reference to a gift he has locked away for me. Actually, it's getting on my nerves a lot, that smug little bastard thinks he's so much smarter than everyone. Little does he know that the only thing that allows me to tolerate his "holier than thou" attitude is his powers. GOD, if any woman knew what it was like to have a guy who can expand his...."

"RIGHT!" I interjected, "you were talking about a job?"

"Oh yes, so anyway, he keeps this gift in a safe, and I want to take it from him before our
anniversary. Whenever he loses things, he goes ballistic, and it really knocks him down a few pegs that he can't remember things. Keeps me on top, and will probably be more enjoyable than the wacky present. Anyways, his safe is complicated because the keypad is a 44 digit number, that needs to be typed at a certain rhythm. He basically types out a 44 note song. If you saw him type in the code, you are probably the only person who can memorize the number and key at the exact rate that he does."

"Yes, that's true. But how do I know what's in there is yours? "

"Here, this is a list of things I know are in there, so by deduction you can figure out what is mine. I will also reconfigure the security so that you are basically invisible to the system. Just watch out for the Thing, Reed and my brother. And my kids and that annoying flying robot nanny."

"Sure," I said, "but there is one thing". I just had an experience with a shapechanger, so I was wondering if you could prove that you are really the Invisible Woman."

In a second, she disappeared. "Is that proof enough?" a voice said. Well, not really disappeared, there seemed to be some black dash lines around her form. How the hell did all their past foes miss that? Invisible my ass. More like, the Transparent Woman....

"That's good, but how do I know you are the real invisible woman? anyone can have an invisibility device. How about you take off all your cothes and do the invisible thing, since anyone can get an invisible suit these days. I'll get my video camera, so I can play it back in slow motion later, so I can, uh, insure your identiy. Make sure you do a few turns when you go back from invisible to visible."

After being punched in the face with this translucent ball with dashes around it, I came to the conclusion it was really her.

"Now that that's over, here's a schedule of Reeds when he will be out of the building. Get whatever's not on the list and get it back to me. I have to go, I have some bratty children to raise..."

Cashing In

2005-12-31T09:43:00.000-08:00

Following the lowly thief, I began to plan the execution of Agent X. Agent X is a regenerator, so killing him with a sniper rifle will not do, even if it is an explosive round. Dismemberment will not work unless it's his head and due to our previous encounter, I don't want risk losing that fight, nor do I want to blow my cover around a bunch of top-class thieves.

The necessary item of procurement was therefore the grenade launcher. Messy, easy and makes a loud sound. Yes, this would be my item of choice.

I followed my little henchmen to his little henchmen hideout, into the backdoor of an insurance agency. He went to the basement and I perched just outside the basement window to wait for more tidbits.

He went to a room with some fellows in there unwrapping some items (I can only guess that they are Christmas presents, despite the tinfoil wrapping). I attached my sound amplifier and listened to what they had to say.

"Someone's in town to make a hit on Agent X I think. I got a note saying he will be dead by morning."

"That doesn't sound right." Said the pudgy fellow. "I was hoping the ten other assassins in town would take him out by tonight."

"Well, if that's the case, he probably shouldn't be in the riverboat casino tonight."

That was all I needed to know and I rushed off to make the kill.

After getting a grenade launcher, I headed over to the casino boat. Why anyone would want to gamble on a boat is beyond me.

Finding a perch on the glass roof and taking out any guards in my way I had a perfect view of Alex at one of the head tables.

However, one thing prevented me from pulling that trigger, and that is that my old girlfriend Sandi, was hanging on his shoulder. RPGs are messy things, and she would indubitably be caught in the blast. Damn.

While we were on a break of some sorts, I rationalized that there were two sets of adamantium claws, but only one Sandi. Stupid sappiness. Sappy Sappy Sappy. Shit.

Knowing there were other assassins in the house, I acted quickly. I shot a grenade into the bar, taking out the bartender acting as an assassin. 1. Crashing through the window, I threw a shuriken into the waiter about to pull a gun out. 2. The dealer was next, he had an explosive stack of chips, and I did a web-swing kick on the way down, snapping his neck. 3. Killed a rich fat lady with a sword thrust. Probably a threat. 4. I shot a bunch of bullets into the crowd, too lazy to find the other 6. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15....safe enough.

After dropping a smoke bomb, I shot a web to the ceiling, grabbed Alex and Sandi and hauled ass. After retreating to the docks, Alex shouted out:
"What the hell was that for???? I was about to make my poker comeback! I was all in and had all black cards!!!"
"I was saving your butt! There were ten assassins in that casino about to take you out!"
"Well," Sandi interjected, "You missed one."

At that moment, she shapeshifted into Mystique and sliced into Hayden's throat, nearly severing his head.

"Dammit woman! He's my kill, now!"

"Don't even think about it. I need this man alive."

"If I don't kill him, I won't get a set of adamantium claws from Gambit! and they are really, really cool!"

"Those are fakes, I know because I sold them to LeBeau."

"Well, what the hell do I do now????"

"Here's a check for $300,000, it's yours if you piss off." She said.

"Well, okay then!"

Walking off, with my money money money, I couldn't believe that I was fooled into thinking I called off the hit, and finding out that the Sandi was an imposter. The tune of Celine Dion's Titanic song resonated in the air as I thought about Sandi.

That of course was my cell phone.

"Waassaaaaaappp?"

"Dammit, you really can't think of anything original, can you?" A woman's voice said at the other end.

"Uh..who is this?"

"This is Sue Richards, the Invisible Woman. I have an easy task for you. Let's meet up."

Marty Grass

2005-12-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

Entering into New Orleans, I began to have second thoughts. Killing Agent X would not be too hard, but things didn't seem right. Why would Hayden want to take over the thieves guild? He's not a serious person on any account, afterall, he owned a damn theme park for a while. While a decent mercenary, he's no thief let alone capable of leading a guild. Lastly, he lacks the slimy southern accent necessary to get respect from those cajun thieves.

On the other hand, to my knowledge, there are only two adamantium sets of claws on this planet and the other pair is attached to one of the deadliest people alive.

Which reminds me to leave a mental note: Make sure I'm not wearing the claws when I need to wipe.

Now, the first thing I needed was information. In situations like this there are two ways to get it. You either:
A: Grab a dodgy looking guy in a bar, hope that he is an underling coward with loose lips who will spill his guts after some mild girlish slapping. Possibly get into a bar-fight with everyone present to showcase your badassedness. End with saying, "Tell your boss that TASKMASTER is in town." Don't forget to flex when saying this, because everyone will be looking.

B: Just walk down any street at any time of the day, and eventually you will hear some random people on the street mention the info you need to know. Despite the odds, this will always happen.

C: 1. Go to a strip club.
2.
3. Profit!

I figured, however, that once you become aware that options A and B will always give you the info that you know, they will no longer become fruitful. Therefore, although A and B always work, once you realize that A and B always work and try to go through the motions of A or B, fate will cause the opposite intended result to happen, thus A and B will instead be a waste of time. Damn.

What you just saw there was damn fine logic used to get myself pissed and go to a strip club. So, answer C, I choo-choo-choose you!

(picture omitted)

One of the shortcomings of my power is that I can basically tell if someone is doing something wrong, and that can ruin the show for me. For example, while normal guys don't care so much about the quality of the dance at a strip joint, it does manage to irk me if the girl is particularly bad. What with the hurricane, a lot of the good strippers left to Texas, so what i was left with was someone who couldn't keep a beat, didn't know how to swivel or shake. You can't be turned on by something if you know you could do it alot better. It ruined my fun, and it made me question my sexuality, and I hate that.

So, bored out of my skullmask, I decided to actually do some work. Strip clubs are owned by the thieves guild in New Orleans, so finding underlings shouldn't be a problem. I then realized that I would have to resort to a variation of option A. Crap.

First, I picked out a fellow in the crowd. Someone with long hair and peircings, because real gangsta ass cajuns don't need to show that they are tough. Using Bullseye skills, I flicked a macchiato cherry right into his eye. SPLAT! Next I flicked two peanuts right into his crotch. Oh the irony!!! I wrote a message on a card that said, "Agent X will be dead by morning." and threw it oh so perfectly so it landed an inch into this gentleman's neck. As he pulled the ace out of his neck he read the message and turned white. Looking around for the perpetrator, and finding nothing because I am oh so awesome at this stuff, he got up an left the club. I got up to follow him out. This job is too easy.

For good measure, on my way out, I kicked a random guy in the balls, put my foot on his back and said, "Tell your boss that TASKMASTER is in town." I flexed my guns and immediately left the bar to follow the guy to his boss.

Mish 1: Agent X-terminate aka Lame Title

2005-12-25T09:51:00.000-08:00

"You kiss your mother wit dat mouth, mon frere?"

"No but I kiss your mother with this one!" I said making gestures to my skull mask.

"You really can't tink up anyting original, can you?"

"Go to hell."

As I looked at the file, I saw an old associate, Alex Hayden, aka Agent X. Agent X is a guy who's body is that of an associate of the Swan, who died, but got merged with deadpool. So he's got a healing factor, perfect aim with guns, and has similar juvenile humor like Deadpool. It sounds stupid, but by the time we got the answer at the end, it was already a pretty good story.

When we were forming Agency X, I taught him how to fight and somewhere along the line, he tried to steal my girlfriend, kicked my butt, but somehow we managed to work together and defeat the Swan and some other crazy fellows. After the big win, Agent X thought everyone could be friends and we could just have a little Agency X and work together like one big happy family. I disagreed and left. I still don't like that dude.

However, I'm still concerned that he bested me once in a challenge of fisticuffs, and only a few people have ever done that. Deadpool did it once by doing this unpredictable style. But Alex also did it too although he was just fighting. It was the strangest thing, like I couldn't read him like other people. I felt...normal. Damn these inherent super-powers.

"Okay, LeBeau, I'll take it, on one condition."

"It is?"

I handed him a mini wireless camera.

"Can you set up one of my cameras in the ladies' locker room?"

"Don' worry, no need to put two where one be enough. Check yo' email, I send you my website. It got streaming video now!"

I grabbed the mission folder and Jubilee's shorts, and went off to my mission.

Mission 1 cont: WTF is in the gumbo

2005-12-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I was faced with a decision in front of the X-men's walking cajun stereotype Gambit: Do I kick his ass and risk sending the rest of the X-men up to outnumber me, or do I negotiate a deal with this sleazy redneck?

"Alrighty LeBeau, I'm just pickin some of Jubes' articles for an obsessed fanboy, I'm getting a fat chunk of change. Let's not have us both regret the opportunity for everyone to end up happy."

"Well, Tasky...."
I hate that name

"If I wan' grab some of Jubes' shorts, I would only 'ave to whisper a bit in her ear..."

I didn't want to follow that up with a response.

"Bon, I get on wit it. I hired you to talk in person, I got a better job for you."

The plot thickens, like soup ordered from a pissed off waiter. Gambit handed me an envelope.

"I need you to take care o' dis joker who been tryin to throw a coup on my thieves guild back in New Orleans."

I figured, since he's with the X-men, he's got to keep his reputation clean, less he tarnish the innocence of those walking atomic bombs in the mansion.

"The grand prize is dis."

He pulls out a box and opens it to reveal a pair of claws, not unlike Wolverines, but handheld.
Turns out that sneaky bastard somehow acquired some adamantium, and coerced teammate Polaris to make some claws for him.

"Pure adamantium."

Of course I was interested, adamantium is tough to come by, let alone adamantium shaped. Since I had mastered Wolverine's style, these claws could be equally deadly in my hands. It wasn't cash, but I couldn't pass this one up.

I opened the envelope to see who the mark was. As I pulled it out, only one thing crossed my mind, which I eloquently uttered,

"Oh, sh---

Mission 1: Snatch and Grab

2005-12-22T00:08:00.000-08:00

I guess I should first explain why I decided to start my own mercenary business. In the past I had an excellent job at training our nation's finest henchmen. I could kick the crap out of them and beat them to make me feel better about myself all in the name of "education". Some of my students went on to become well known super-heroes or villians, but most usually ended up as fodder for the superheroes at the end of one of Hawkeye's arrows, Captain America's shield, Wolverine's claws...etc. You get the idea. Not that many return customers, and I finally began to realize that teaching idiots who don't have my natural ability was not as rewarding as I thought. While I did work at Agency X for a while, I realized that my associate there, Agent X, was simply crazy. I decided to do this on my own, maybe pick a person here or there, but go on my own reputation alone.

Not too long after incorporation I got a call for a job. Now, superhero memorabilia collecting is a lucrative field, there are tons of obsessive collectors with loads of money to blow since they don't spend it on women. Other collectors are just rich hedgefund f#(%$ that don't know what else to do with their money. I don't really care. But I was called up to do a job to steal something from a super-hero to add to this dudes collection, seems easy enough.

After hearing his voice on the phone, I imagine he looked like this:

Anyway, his request was simple: Sneak into the X-mansion and snatch Jubilee's pink sunglasses and a pair of her shorts. I've had some weird requests, but for $500,000, I'll help a guy and whatever weird mutant child sick f*%# fetish they may have. Being that I had to sneak into the X-mansion, I needed to get some gear. Luckily, being in the the biz and having to run into super-folk all the time, I've accumulated some gear that would make a clerk at the sharper image piss blood.

Psi dampener- to prevent the psychics from noticing my presence-Check
Ruby Quartz lined sword, specially designed to deflect cyclops' blasts-check
Smoke bombs and other general stuff like my katana are in. Also is my most favorite device, which I stole from S.H.I.E.L.D, a wrist attached energy projection thingy (my personal name for it) which allows me to create a shield, ala Cap America, claws, or whatever. Much easier than lugging around all that crap I used to do in the past, which just made me look like some kid at halloween who couldn't decide which super-hero to be so just had weapons from all of them.

I watched some footage of the Black Cat to get myself mentally prepared for the job. This uh...also delayed me a bit.

Anyways, I set off toward Westchester, New York to grab some underage X-female shorts and glasses. Now that I think about it, has anyone seen her costume? is that a freaking costume? I think I'm doing her a favor.

Now entering the X-Mansion is no easy task. There is alien technology and crap up the wazoo covering the property, nosy mutant kids with untrained powers, and heavy hitters like Xavier, Wolverine, Cyclops and dozens of other X-men. With my psi dampener and sneaky sneaky skills, I should be okay, but my main concern is Wolverine's nose. Luckily, the little bastard is doing quadruple overtime and is running missions with three X-Teams, the New Avengers, Power Pack, not to mention handling his own personal grudges. Chances of him being in the X-mansion? about the same as the chance my employer doesn't have something illegal on his harddrive.

Sneaking in was easy. Kitty Pryde loves to take joyrides with her boyfriend Colossus. They like to go into town for ice cream, stare dreamingly into each others eyes for a few hours and then going back home. All I did was hitch a ride underneath their car and that got me in the garage.

After they left, I made my move. Using cat-like skills, and some energy projected grappling devices, I hauled ass out of the garage and climbed up the building to Jubilee's room. Funny enough, on the way I saw Nightcrawler looking into Rogue's window. Isn't he like her surrogate brother or something? nasty. Luckily he was too pre-occupied to notice me. As I made my way up I snuck in the window and prepared for some snatching. After grabbing a pair of ugly ass pink specs on the counter, I started searching the drawers for some shorts.

That's when I heard a voice behind me:

"One thief to anod'er, I tink you makin' nuff noise up 'ere to wake a croc in summertime."

First day of incorporation

2005-12-21T23:39:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am now incorporated in the grand state of Delaware. There are good reasons, such as good protections for limiting liability to the owners of the company, but I won't get into the legal stuff. I can duplicate the human movements of anything I can see among other things. Some would say that is useful, the rest obviously don't know any better.