Monday, January 02, 2006

Ol' Dirty Baxterd

When Wolverine was under the influence of Hydra, he once easily managed to sneak into the Baxter building, where the Fantastic Four reside. I plan to do the same thing, but unlike Wolverine, I don't plan to go in for a fight. I plan to increase the relationship turmoil between the Invisible Woman and Mr. Fantastic. I'm kinda like Angelina Jolie even to the extent where I sell out my body to do horrible, horrible things.

When entering the building, I went for the airconditioning vent, as I knew the sensors would not notice me. I perched with a good view outside the safe and waited for Richards to show up.

At 4:00 on the dot, Richards, showed up and began typing in his code. My only worry was to not blink, but after his 44 digit code, at the rhythm of what I'm guessings is the opening song to "A Beautiful Mind." Now all I had to do was wait for Richards to do his business and skidaddle. Did I just say skidaddle? dammit.

After Richards left, I checked my radar and found no warm bodies around and snuck my way down to enter the code. Using my amazing photographic memory and reflex skills, I easily cracked the code and let myself in.

The list Sue gave me had some really odd items. Matter-distorter-toothbrush, Kaliedo-Sonic-tampons, Molecule-atom-disrupting electron stimulator etc.

What I didn't expect were Reed's secret fetishes hidden inside this safe. Along with a glut of obese porn and Japanese tentacle hentai, he also had a stash of magazines I had never seen before: Putty Girls. This was a magazine with girls covered with globs of Silly Putty, going all over and IN them, sweet jebus. It was also one of the occasions where it is NOT good to have a photographic memory. Damn, you just made me think about it again.

While not on the list, I assumed these were not what Sue was looking for, and besides, I would need two wheelbarrows to haul out that sleaze.

I finally came upon something not on the list with a red bow around it: Elastic-Matter-Vibrational Collar. It was basically a collar that I guess made the wearer vibrate. Can't figure what Reed and Sue would use it for... Grabbing it quickly, I prepared to head out the way I came. As I entered the hallway, I bumped into Sue, and realized I could collect a quick payday on the spot.

"Hey ya, See-through girl, I got you your present."

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my home???!!!" She yelled.

"Uh, a job that you hired me for?" I said, before a white ball with dashes wanged me on my head.
Oh shit, I realized, she's either toying with my heart or she's not the one who hired me. Damn I hate shape-changers! As I felt an invisible ball growing in my throat, preventing me from breathing, I dropped a flashbomb, knowing that Sue can't project what she can't see. The smoke would also help if she planned to go invisible.

Punching that witch in the nose quickly, I made my way out my exit and web slinged my way home.

I e-mailed the fake Sue and told her my mission was complete.

An hour later, after coming to my office, the stupid shapechanging Sue came into my office.

"Ok, Super-Skrull, here's your bill, but I gotta ask you: what are you going to do with a collar that makes your body vibrate."

Not looking too shocked, the skrull resumed his normal form. The Super-skrull is a skrull, a race of aliens that can change their shape, who also has the abilities of the fantastic four.
"Silly human, you think all I do is fight the Fantastic Four? The Skrulls are known to be the best lovers in the universe. We can be whoever you want and change our shape doing it. This collar will only let me further dominate at my reign as the champion of the Annual Skrull Coitus competition. A Skrull's got to defend his title, right?"

"Uh, yeah....TMI."

"What was that?" the Skrull shot back.

"Uh, yes, good for you," I recovered, "Just pay the bill, cash only."

After the Skrull left, my cell phone rang again, just like it always does after I have just completed a mission.

"Hello, Taskmaster, inc. This is the CEO of Ace Construction. We have a special need for your talents, and it may require you to fight the Avengers....."


Blogger Vegeta said...

You do not want to land on Skrull world when that competion is going on believe me. I couldn't eat foe a week after I did.

12:57 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Annual Skrull Coitus competition?

Eww, that's just.... ewww.

4:10 AM  
Blogger Private Hudson said...

So it's a whole planet of shape changing perverts? That is the most disgusting thing that I've ever heard.

So, where is this planet?

4:34 AM  
Blogger Son Goku said...

I think I may go throw up now

6:46 PM  
Blogger Captain Berk said...

I could beat any of those skrull at competetive lovemaking.

I spend all my days chasing down alien ladies.

7:25 AM  

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