Saturday, December 31, 2005

Cashing In

Following the lowly thief, I began to plan the execution of Agent X. Agent X is a regenerator, so killing him with a sniper rifle will not do, even if it is an explosive round. Dismemberment will not work unless it's his head and due to our previous encounter, I don't want risk losing that fight, nor do I want to blow my cover around a bunch of top-class thieves.

The necessary item of procurement was therefore the grenade launcher. Messy, easy and makes a loud sound. Yes, this would be my item of choice.

I followed my little henchmen to his little henchmen hideout, into the backdoor of an insurance agency. He went to the basement and I perched just outside the basement window to wait for more tidbits.

He went to a room with some fellows in there unwrapping some items (I can only guess that they are Christmas presents, despite the tinfoil wrapping). I attached my sound amplifier and listened to what they had to say.

"Someone's in town to make a hit on Agent X I think. I got a note saying he will be dead by morning."

"That doesn't sound right." Said the pudgy fellow. "I was hoping the ten other assassins in town would take him out by tonight."

"Well, if that's the case, he probably shouldn't be in the riverboat casino tonight."

That was all I needed to know and I rushed off to make the kill.

After getting a grenade launcher, I headed over to the casino boat. Why anyone would want to gamble on a boat is beyond me.

Finding a perch on the glass roof and taking out any guards in my way I had a perfect view of Alex at one of the head tables.

However, one thing prevented me from pulling that trigger, and that is that my old girlfriend Sandi, was hanging on his shoulder. RPGs are messy things, and she would indubitably be caught in the blast. Damn.

While we were on a break of some sorts, I rationalized that there were two sets of adamantium claws, but only one Sandi. Stupid sappiness. Sappy Sappy Sappy. Shit.

Knowing there were other assassins in the house, I acted quickly. I shot a grenade into the bar, taking out the bartender acting as an assassin. 1. Crashing through the window, I threw a shuriken into the waiter about to pull a gun out. 2. The dealer was next, he had an explosive stack of chips, and I did a web-swing kick on the way down, snapping his neck. 3. Killed a rich fat lady with a sword thrust. Probably a threat. 4. I shot a bunch of bullets into the crowd, too lazy to find the other 6. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15....safe enough.

After dropping a smoke bomb, I shot a web to the ceiling, grabbed Alex and Sandi and hauled ass. After retreating to the docks, Alex shouted out:
"What the hell was that for???? I was about to make my poker comeback! I was all in and had all black cards!!!"
"I was saving your butt! There were ten assassins in that casino about to take you out!"
"Well," Sandi interjected, "You missed one."

At that moment, she shapeshifted into Mystique and sliced into Hayden's throat, nearly severing his head.

"Dammit woman! He's my kill, now!"

"Don't even think about it. I need this man alive."

"If I don't kill him, I won't get a set of adamantium claws from Gambit! and they are really, really cool!"

"Those are fakes, I know because I sold them to LeBeau."

"Well, what the hell do I do now????"

"Here's a check for $300,000, it's yours if you piss off." She said.

"Well, okay then!"

Walking off, with my money money money, I couldn't believe that I was fooled into thinking I called off the hit, and finding out that the Sandi was an imposter. The tune of Celine Dion's Titanic song resonated in the air as I thought about Sandi.

That of course was my cell phone.

"Waassaaaaaappp?"

"Dammit, you really can't think of anything original, can you?" A woman's voice said at the other end.

"Uh..who is this?"

"This is Sue Richards, the Invisible Woman. I have an easy task for you. Let's meet up."

Monday, December 26, 2005

Marty Grass

Entering into New Orleans, I began to have second thoughts. Killing Agent X would not be too hard, but things didn't seem right. Why would Hayden want to take over the thieves guild? He's not a serious person on any account, afterall, he owned a damn theme park for a while. While a decent mercenary, he's no thief let alone capable of leading a guild. Lastly, he lacks the slimy southern accent necessary to get respect from those cajun thieves.

On the other hand, to my knowledge, there are only two adamantium sets of claws on this planet and the other pair is attached to one of the deadliest people alive.

Which reminds me to leave a mental note: Make sure I'm not wearing the claws when I need to wipe.

Now, the first thing I needed was information. In situations like this there are two ways to get it. You either:
A: Grab a dodgy looking guy in a bar, hope that he is an underling coward with loose lips who will spill his guts after some mild girlish slapping. Possibly get into a bar-fight with everyone present to showcase your badassedness. End with saying, "Tell your boss that TASKMASTER is in town." Don't forget to flex when saying this, because everyone will be looking.

B: Just walk down any street at any time of the day, and eventually you will hear some random people on the street mention the info you need to know. Despite the odds, this will always happen.

C: 1. Go to a strip club.
2.
3. Profit!

I figured, however, that once you become aware that options A and B will always give you the info that you know, they will no longer become fruitful. Therefore, although A and B always work, once you realize that A and B always work and try to go through the motions of A or B, fate will cause the opposite intended result to happen, thus A and B will instead be a waste of time. Damn.

What you just saw there was damn fine logic used to get myself pissed and go to a strip club. So, answer C, I choo-choo-choose you!

(picture omitted)

One of the shortcomings of my power is that I can basically tell if someone is doing something wrong, and that can ruin the show for me. For example, while normal guys don't care so much about the quality of the dance at a strip joint, it does manage to irk me if the girl is particularly bad. What with the hurricane, a lot of the good strippers left to Texas, so what i was left with was someone who couldn't keep a beat, didn't know how to swivel or shake. You can't be turned on by something if you know you could do it alot better. It ruined my fun, and it made me question my sexuality, and I hate that.

So, bored out of my skullmask, I decided to actually do some work. Strip clubs are owned by the thieves guild in New Orleans, so finding underlings shouldn't be a problem. I then realized that I would have to resort to a variation of option A. Crap.

First, I picked out a fellow in the crowd. Someone with long hair and peircings, because real gangsta ass cajuns don't need to show that they are tough. Using Bullseye skills, I flicked a macchiato cherry right into his eye. SPLAT! Next I flicked two peanuts right into his crotch. Oh the irony!!! I wrote a message on a card that said, "Agent X will be dead by morning." and threw it oh so perfectly so it landed an inch into this gentleman's neck. As he pulled the ace out of his neck he read the message and turned white. Looking around for the perpetrator, and finding nothing because I am oh so awesome at this stuff, he got up an left the club. I got up to follow him out. This job is too easy.

For good measure, on my way out, I kicked a random guy in the balls, put my foot on his back and said, "Tell your boss that TASKMASTER is in town." I flexed my guns and immediately left the bar to follow the guy to his boss.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Mish 1: Agent X-terminate aka Lame Title

"You kiss your mother wit dat mouth, mon frere?"

"No but I kiss your mother with this one!" I said making gestures to my skull mask.

"You really can't tink up anyting original, can you?"

"Go to hell."

As I looked at the file, I saw an old associate, Alex Hayden, aka Agent X. Agent X is a guy who's body is that of an associate of the Swan, who died, but got merged with deadpool. So he's got a healing factor, perfect aim with guns, and has similar juvenile humor like Deadpool. It sounds stupid, but by the time we got the answer at the end, it was already a pretty good story.

When we were forming Agency X, I taught him how to fight and somewhere along the line, he tried to steal my girlfriend, kicked my butt, but somehow we managed to work together and defeat the Swan and some other crazy fellows. After the big win, Agent X thought everyone could be friends and we could just have a little Agency X and work together like one big happy family. I disagreed and left. I still don't like that dude.

However, I'm still concerned that he bested me once in a challenge of fisticuffs, and only a few people have ever done that. Deadpool did it once by doing this unpredictable style. But Alex also did it too although he was just fighting. It was the strangest thing, like I couldn't read him like other people. I felt...normal. Damn these inherent super-powers.


"Okay, LeBeau, I'll take it, on one condition."

"It is?"

I handed him a mini wireless camera.

"Can you set up one of my cameras in the ladies' locker room?"

"Don' worry, no need to put two where one be enough. Check yo' email, I send you my website. It got streaming video now!"

I grabbed the mission folder and Jubilee's shorts, and went off to my mission.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Mission 1 cont: WTF is in the gumbo

Okay, so I was faced with a decision in front of the X-men's walking cajun stereotype Gambit: Do I kick his ass and risk sending the rest of the X-men up to outnumber me, or do I negotiate a deal with this sleazy redneck?

"Alrighty LeBeau, I'm just pickin some of Jubes' articles for an obsessed fanboy, I'm getting a fat chunk of change. Let's not have us both regret the opportunity for everyone to end up happy."

"Well, Tasky...."
I hate that name

"If I wan' grab some of Jubes' shorts, I would only 'ave to whisper a bit in her ear..."

I didn't want to follow that up with a response.

"Bon, I get on wit it. I hired you to talk in person, I got a better job for you."

The plot thickens, like soup ordered from a pissed off waiter. Gambit handed me an envelope.

"I need you to take care o' dis joker who been tryin to throw a coup on my thieves guild back in New Orleans."

I figured, since he's with the X-men, he's got to keep his reputation clean, less he tarnish the innocence of those walking atomic bombs in the mansion.

"The grand prize is dis."

He pulls out a box and opens it to reveal a pair of claws, not unlike Wolverines, but handheld.
Turns out that sneaky bastard somehow acquired some adamantium, and coerced teammate Polaris to make some claws for him.

"Pure adamantium."

Of course I was interested, adamantium is tough to come by, let alone adamantium shaped. Since I had mastered Wolverine's style, these claws could be equally deadly in my hands. It wasn't cash, but I couldn't pass this one up.

I opened the envelope to see who the mark was. As I pulled it out, only one thing crossed my mind, which I eloquently uttered,

"Oh, sh---

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Mission 1: Snatch and Grab

I guess I should first explain why I decided to start my own mercenary business. In the past I had an excellent job at training our nation's finest henchmen. I could kick the crap out of them and beat them to make me feel better about myself all in the name of "education". Some of my students went on to become well known super-heroes or villians, but most usually ended up as fodder for the superheroes at the end of one of Hawkeye's arrows, Captain America's shield, Wolverine's claws...etc. You get the idea. Not that many return customers, and I finally began to realize that teaching idiots who don't have my natural ability was not as rewarding as I thought. While I did work at Agency X for a while, I realized that my associate there, Agent X, was simply crazy. I decided to do this on my own, maybe pick a person here or there, but go on my own reputation alone.

Not too long after incorporation I got a call for a job. Now, superhero memorabilia collecting is a lucrative field, there are tons of obsessive collectors with loads of money to blow since they don't spend it on women. Other collectors are just rich hedgefund f#(%$ that don't know what else to do with their money. I don't really care. But I was called up to do a job to steal something from a super-hero to add to this dudes collection, seems easy enough.

After hearing his voice on the phone, I imagine he looked like this:




Anyway, his request was simple: Sneak into the X-mansion and snatch Jubilee's pink sunglasses and a pair of her shorts. I've had some weird requests, but for $500,000, I'll help a guy and whatever weird mutant child sick f*%# fetish they may have. Being that I had to sneak into the X-mansion, I needed to get some gear. Luckily, being in the the biz and having to run into super-folk all the time, I've accumulated some gear that would make a clerk at the sharper image piss blood.

Psi dampener- to prevent the psychics from noticing my presence-Check
Ruby Quartz lined sword, specially designed to deflect cyclops' blasts-check
Smoke bombs and other general stuff like my katana are in. Also is my most favorite device, which I stole from S.H.I.E.L.D, a wrist attached energy projection thingy (my personal name for it) which allows me to create a shield, ala Cap America, claws, or whatever. Much easier than lugging around all that crap I used to do in the past, which just made me look like some kid at halloween who couldn't decide which super-hero to be so just had weapons from all of them.

I watched some footage of the Black Cat to get myself mentally prepared for the job. This uh...also delayed me a bit.

Anyways, I set off toward Westchester, New York to grab some underage X-female shorts and glasses. Now that I think about it, has anyone seen her costume? is that a freaking costume? I think I'm doing her a favor.

Now entering the X-Mansion is no easy task. There is alien technology and crap up the wazoo covering the property, nosy mutant kids with untrained powers, and heavy hitters like Xavier, Wolverine, Cyclops and dozens of other X-men. With my psi dampener and sneaky sneaky skills, I should be okay, but my main concern is Wolverine's nose. Luckily, the little bastard is doing quadruple overtime and is running missions with three X-Teams, the New Avengers, Power Pack, not to mention handling his own personal grudges. Chances of him being in the X-mansion? about the same as the chance my employer doesn't have something illegal on his harddrive.

Sneaking in was easy. Kitty Pryde loves to take joyrides with her boyfriend Colossus. They like to go into town for ice cream, stare dreamingly into each others eyes for a few hours and then going back home. All I did was hitch a ride underneath their car and that got me in the garage.

After they left, I made my move. Using cat-like skills, and some energy projected grappling devices, I hauled ass out of the garage and climbed up the building to Jubilee's room. Funny enough, on the way I saw Nightcrawler looking into Rogue's window. Isn't he like her surrogate brother or something? nasty. Luckily he was too pre-occupied to notice me. As I made my way up I snuck in the window and prepared for some snatching. After grabbing a pair of ugly ass pink specs on the counter, I started searching the drawers for some shorts.

That's when I heard a voice behind me:

"One thief to anod'er, I tink you makin' nuff noise up 'ere to wake a croc in summertime."

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

First day of incorporation

Yes, I am now incorporated in the grand state of Delaware. There are good reasons, such as good protections for limiting liability to the owners of the company, but I won't get into the legal stuff. I can duplicate the human movements of anything I can see among other things. Some would say that is useful, the rest obviously don't know any better.
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